Four Truths About Women's BJJ /// By: Raquel Pa'aluhi-Canuto

One of the most commonly asked questions I get is, “How is it being a female in a primarily male dominated sport?” There are so many ways to answer this question, but I’ll start by saying that it’s not for everyone.

Martial arts have always been a part of me. This is a life I was born into but one I eventually chose to live. However, I do realize that this is my reality and not everyone else’s. There are a lot of women out there who experience training differently than I do… those who train casually, for weight loss, to conquer some sort of personal goal or whatever their reason may be. So, how do I deal with being a “female in a male dominated sport?” I’ll talk a little about it here:

TRAINING WITH MEN FOR THE FIRST TIME

When I started teaching a women’s jiu-jitsu class last year, it filled up quickly, I got a lot of the moms, wives and girlfriends off of the sidelines and onto the mat. Within a couple of weeks, I had a steady group of 16 women training. Their concerns were simple ones. They didn’t want to be drowned in other people’s sweat and body odor and they were afraid to train with men. This class gave them a place to train with other women. Eventually they wanted to challenge themselves or train more than twice a week and had to face their fears of training with men in the beginners class. I always tell them that training with men can go one of two ways: You will either get a guy that is overly aggressive because they don’t want to lose to a women or one that let’s you beat them up because they don’t want to hurt a woman. There is very rarely a third option. In their defense, you can’t blame them. Most men don’t know how to train with us because they’ve never had to. My advice: choose your partner wisely, always assess the situation, and last, be prepared.

There was a time when I was careless when choosing training partners. I always wanted the best training in the room. I didn’t care if they were bigger, stronger, or more experienced than me! I just went for it. Thinking back on it now, it wasn’t the brightest idea. Everyone should go at their own pace. If you can, get a partner you know and trust. If you’re assigned one and they happen to be bigger or stronger than you, play on top instead or play a game you feel comfortable with. Last, don’t walk into a roll with your head in the clouds. I always expect every partner to give me their best. Whether they do or not is on them, but being prepared for what they give is on me. Also, if their ears are really deformed, you should probably stay away from them (kidding).

TRAINING AND/OR COMPETING WITH OTHER WOMEN

Training with men is scary for most women, but I fear training with other women more. At my school we are lucky to have a great group of women and I have never had trouble with any of them. But I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve had women blow up on me while training. I remember the first time it happened I was so taken aback by the situation because I had no clue what was going on. During the roll my partner started freaking out saying I hit her in the face. Instantly I started to apologize but she kept yelling at me saying I kicked her, slammed her… and the story kept changing. When I turned to walk away because she wouldn’t stop yelling, she held on to the sleeve of my gi trying to keep me there to listen to her yell. I literally had to break her off my gi to get away. I was still fairly new to jiu-jitsu but had been training martial arts the majority of my life. So I trusted my control and knew I hadn’t done any of those things. Over the last few years I’ve had this happen numerous times. From white belts all the way up to black belts and accomplished MMA fighters. I’ve been yelled at, cursed at, pushed, shoved, passive aggressively called “fat” (because I am no doubt the bigger girl on the mat) and then minutes later I get apologies.

What I have learned over the last few years is to not take it personal. Women are emotional and I understand this because when it comes to certain things, I’m emotional too. But not on the mat. This is my job so I always give 100% when I’m training. I also expect everyone to do the same with me. But like I mentioned earlier, we don’t all experience training the same way. I know that this is the root cause of the issues I’ve had. From my experience, because women are so emotional, they take losing much harder than men do. It’s more personal to have another female beat them rather than having a man beat them. I honestly can’t explain why, but that’s just what I’ve noticed. This is hard for me to accept because I really want to train with other women. Once in awhile I get to train with Tammi Musumeci and she kicks my ass every time. She has a very specific game that just kills mine. But I love every second of it and wish I could be challenged like this more. Because this sport is growing so rapidly, I believe at some point soon we will have to come together and help each other. I hope it’s sooner rather than later.

TRAINING DURING THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

I have always been an extremely mentally strong person. Injured, tired, sore, I can do whatever I need to do. With that said, within the last year or so, I have found it extremely difficult to train on the first day or two of my menstrual period. Men just don’t understand the hell our bodies go through once a month. For at least a week, we are bloated, breaking out, craving foods we shouldn’t be eating… and of course, feeling like the ugliest human to walk the planet. Let’s not forget about the cramping! It feels like someone is stabbing you with a knife from the inside out. The first 24 hours I just want to lay in bed getting my back and belly rubbed but I still get up and get myself into the gym. I don’t know about other women, but I always feel like I have very low energy levels. My body feels tired when I’m training and everything is so hard to do! Simple movements I do every day now feels like the last round of conditioning where I have to push with every bit of will power I have left. Am I over exaggerating? Not even a little bit. My periods have gotten worse with age. I normally don’t like to take any kind of medicine but on the first day or two, I take 600-800 mg of pain reliever before I head out the door and that usually does the trick long enough to get through the training. Also, a year ago, I started using the “diva cup.” I was very hesitant at first, but it has been a life changing experience for me (yes, that’s good). Aside from it being eco friendly, it’s saved me money, trips to the store, and I no longer panic because I forgot to pack tampons. Above all, it’s extremely comfortable and mess-free. If you have not tried it, whether you are physically active or not, I highly recommend you do. I’ve done everything from training, tournaments, 10+ hour flights, swimming, and more using it.

TRAINING WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

Dating as a female fighter can be tough. When I was single, I found that it intimidated men who didn’t train. There were all the jokes and the challenges of, “I bet I could beat you up!” and to be honest, it got old really fast. Whether you are a fighter or just a woman that trains, if you date a guy who doesn’t, this will still happen. A fighter’s lifestyle is a hard one to understand. I’m married now and I met my husband in the gym. He’s been training jiu-jitsu just as long as I’ve been training martial arts and we are almost the same exact person when it comes to the pursuit of our goals. I’m not a dating expert, but I think this is an important aspect of a relationship. Having this common ground made us connect a lot faster than I expected. Because of that, he’s always understood how important fighting was to me from the beginning. It was my job, but it also what I loved more than anything else (at the time).

For the most part, we train great together. He’s always the first person to tell me how well I did or correct my mistakes if I made them. He watches fights of my opponents often so we can figure out what game to use for that match or fight. He’s taken the role of coach seriously for me. So with that said, there are also hard days for us on the mat. Balancing his training/preparation and being my coach also can be a heavy load.

Our understanding of jiu-jitsu is very different. If you ever have a chance to learn from him, you’ll see what I mean. Renato sees jiu-jitsu in every single little detail. He can teach a position inside out and make even the hardest of learners understand it clearly. For myself, I just have the feeling of it. Renato always says that I fight or move without thinking. That is just comes naturally to me. Most times I don’t even realize what I’m doing because I’ve never learned how to do it, I just know I’m supposed to. So this difference in learning has caused a little bit of problems in our training. He won’t admit it, but his demand from me is high. We drill and correct positions often and when we do, he always wants my best. He wants me to get every detail he sees, but sometimes I don’t. Other times he gets so excited he’s going from one thing to the other and I get left behind because it’s hard for me to understand everything at once. There have been many sessions that ended in silence. There’s also been days where I’ve gotten up and walked away without shaking his hand because he beat the crap out of me and was not nice about it at all. But even on those days, I am thankful to have someone who sees and believes in what I can be.

One of the harder things to deal with for me is when he competes. I get so nervous, sick to my stomach and I just can’t eat. Normally I offer my help, but I do it in silence and let him do what he needs to do. Recently we experienced him losing and not getting on the podium for the first time in our relationship and it was an experience I was dreading. But I treated it how I always do. I carried his stuff, gave him hugs and kisses and waited for him to cool down. In the weeks to come, he fixed mistakes and we adjusted our training to adjust what was missing.

Being together has catapulted our careers and I believe it’s because are both fighting for something bigger than ourselves now. Everyday we are fighting for a better life for both of us.

Raquel Pa’aluhi-Canuto is a professional MMA fighter and brown belt under Robert Drysdale in Las Vegas, Nevada. She is currently preparing for her main event, title fight for Invicta on August 31, 2017, in California.